Will I ever be anything other than sporadic?

Sloth. You'll see why.

It's hard to know where to begin when it's been four months since my last, enigmatic post. Especially when those four months encompass a wide variety of experiences, and my first few months of having a full-time job.

Shall I summarize as I used to attempt to do after long gaps? Shall I go for a meandering, indulgent stream-of-consciousness type excess?

If at all you have observed this blog over the years, do you notice the pitch to which I've perfected evasive techniques even in writing?

I'd mentioned my feelings about the uncertainty of adulthood and a life without the safe restrictions of academic life. Freedom, it seemed, was not always an unqualified gift; without clear purpose, it can mean an aimless, empty wandering that leaves you with a feeling of ennui.

I wish I could say that I remained as sprightly as I was in that post made a month after graduation, and went at my future with gusto. Truth is, though, that I was unprepared and felt unmoored. For a few months I succeeded in suppressing the fear and insecurities that lurked beneath the surface and sometimes even managed to let go and enjoy the freedom of having nothing to do. I read like crazy, as I hadn't done in a long time, and I loved it; being able to read like that again made me feel as if I could breathe more freely. I recognize that people have other passions that give them the same sense of relief and solace; for me, nothing else will ever give me quite the feeling of being understood. Perhaps this need to bury oneself in a pursuit is the hallmark of a lonely introvert who remained sometimes ungratefully lonely despite having many wonderful friends.

How do I describe that loneliness? It's not a loneliness that comes from lacking company; it's a loneliness that comes from not possessing in adequate measure (yet) the skills to express those difficult thoughts, those complicated emotions, those delicate and complex ideas built so carefully in the hours of reflection I cannot do without. It comes from not being able to share an entire inner world, and so, inhabiting it alone.

I digress. I read; I met friends and had some lovely times; I attended the wedding of a close friend (which is when the reality of adulthood actually began to set in).

At this juncture, I have to admit that I was enjoying myself too much to actually want to find something to occupy my time perforce. I couldn't help wishing that I could have my time to myself for a while longer, to do with as I wished, and to recover from some of the stresses I had put myself through as a student for so many years.

Since I have people looking out for me, who - not without reason - were afraid that I could spend any amount of time this way, I eventually felt obliged to put more effort into determining my immediate future. Again, I have to admit - not without shame - that I went about this task quite reluctantly, even grudgingly. The perfect student and model daughter was suddenly feeling a little rebellious, and not a little horrified at the mundaneness of the jobs that seemed available to someone as entirely clueless as I was about my next steps.

At this juncture, you might be wondering: what happened to the girl who grandly declared that she wanted to make a difference, that she wasn't interested in the humdrum rut of a corporate 9-5 existence?

I was wondering that myself. At the ripe old age of 21, I was feeling washed out. My deepest of convictions were wavering under the onslaught of reality - by which I mean that I had lost faith in myself and consequently failed to hold myself up to the standards of my younger self. It's not that I took some inconsequential job that would have added nothing of value to my life - it's that I had ceased to look before I had even begun, and that I had concluded absurdly prematurely that I wasn't good enough for what I really wanted to do.

The stars, though, have always been on my side. Through a friend, I came to know of a young microfinance company named Vaya. I perceived with mild interest that this would be a great opportunity to find out more about microfinance and its practical applications. In my IB years, I had written my 4000-word research project on microfinance, and it remained a subject of interest.

Interviews are not my strong suit. I have the odd good day on which I feel confident and articulate, but most of the time, my brain seems to separate itself from my body and I just end up feeling incredibly foolish. Not to mention my idiotic need to downplay my achievements, in this age of self-marketing, where more is more. When somebody says I've done good work, my first instinct is to say, 'it could have been better,' or to excuse myself on the grounds that I was younger and didn't know much, or some such nonsense, as I've I'm expecting disapproval and haven't yet registered the fact that what I received instead was approbation. Ever heard of the Impostor Syndrome?

I'm working on it. Anyway, I went for my interview, which somehow managed to stretch out over two days because the office happened to be shifting location and everyone was busy. Eventually I had an offer, and I accepted.

Stay tuned to find out what happened next. 😉

The Return of the Prodigal Blogger, now a B.A. in Economics

Me and my dad, who has given me every opportunity and allowed me to diverge from the beaten path. Love you, Nanna. Notice the spectacles in my right hand.

      Since my slightly premature birth, this is the first time I've ever been early for anything. I'm that friend everyone has who has no conception of time. This very post is more than a month late. It's not that I ever intend to be late to anything, and I'm an eternal optimist. It is just the way of things. Fate.

However, when I do something, I evidently do it in style. So I graduated an entire year early, much to my own shock. I lived in denial for a few months, coming up with dozens of alternate plans that involved me staying in college longer. Ultimately, the prospect of not being a student after fifteen years (not even counting my Montessori days) was too tempting. Deciding to switch from my Honors English major to an English minor was considerably harder, but the right decision for me. Donning that gown a year earlier than my fellow juniors was strange - it was rather lonely on that stage. Apart from my family being there, the whole ceremony was rather underwhelming. There was no grand commencement speech, no 'this is it' moment. I even nodded off during one of the speeches after the stress of finals week.

But just like college is more than the sum of its academic parts, graduation is more than the ceremony and certificate. It's a huge milestone.

Graduation means facing a world without timetables, exams, classes - without an overarching structure to fall into - for the first time since we were three or four years old. This love-hate relationship with the restrictions of academic life turns into alarm at the sudden liberation from mandates. Unless you plan to go directly to graduate school (I don't), the freedom that seemed so delightful when paper deadlines were looming suddenly becomes rather threatening. What am I if not a student?

It's time to find out.

Stay tuned to this space for more.

Hello, world

So I don't often blog, but when I do, it's at 4 am. Anyway, I do tend to sleep at sane human hours most days of the year, but I have my days (or nights, as it were). I have nothing specific to say, except - Hello, world.

My enthusiasm for the snow has decreased considerably since the last time I blogged. It's still beautiful, but unless I'm seeing it through a window in a warm, cosy room, it mostly just makes me grunt. And not in awe or appreciation. Is it possible that this winter is colder than the last?

Yes, the Niagara Falls have (kind of) frozen over

Source: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2014/01/10/niagara-falls-freezing/4407261/

When I haven't been freezing, I've been panicking and regretting my rash decision to have my credit limit extended and to take six classes (plus a one-credit seminar). In this fit of panic, I resigned my one-credit seminar. Not only did that not help much, but now I'm regretting resigning it. First of all, most people do not ever resign a class, and I've resigned more than one in the three semesters I've been here; second, who in their right mind resigns a one-credit class? Apparently my little pigeon mind thought it could handle six 300-400 level classes, but that one, tiny, single-credit class pushed it over the edge. My mind is ever a mystery to me. At any rate, it's done now.

On a slightly more cheerful note, spring break is coming up soon, and I'm hoping that the weather will be at least a little more spring-like. Who the heck decided to name the coldest months in the year the 'spring semester' anyway? What a cruel sense of humour. Some people just want to watch others squirm.

On an entirely different note, am I the only one who feels that there is a surplus of attitude amongst my generation? I'm all for confidence and self-possession, but too much of it is almost worse than too little. Not only do (some) people think they know everything, but they have appalling manners. Does no one think it's important to teach basic courtesy anymore? I might be exaggerating (or not), but the trappings of the smartphone and internet seem to be inversely related to manners (or directly related to the lack thereof). Most people don't want to drag their eyes off the damn screen for long enough to say hi and wave at people they know. What's worse, sometimes they don't respond to a greeting or an acknowledgement. Is it really that hard to smile back at someone you recognize? Or even don't recognize, as 50% of the RAM space in your brain is currently occupied by pressing matters on facebook? Is smiling some kind of desperate move that shows you value human contact that you don't want to disperse freely? Whatever it is, it annoys the hell out of me. I understand that sometimes people don't feel like talking, but an acknowledgement or greeting really doesn't cost much. Plus, it doesn't hurt to have to do something you don't like every once in a while, especially when it's basic civility.

While we're on the subject of my fascinating and persnickety pet peeves, another huge one of mine (not so 'pet' actually) is when people believe that they can show their stress/frustration/poor life choices/ melodramatic life plot twists on other people. Not only is this incredibly spoilt and selfish, it also shows your lack of self-control and your inability to relieve stress healthily. Now, I'm not saying we should keep everything bottled up inside like repressed, 19th century British (i.e. Downton Abbey) characters, but you really only have the right (to some extent) to vent your frustration or stress on people you love and who love you and who will understand that you don't mean it. Apart from understanding, as important people in your life, they're obligated to occasionally tolerate your rubbish. Other people, however, are under no such obligation. Not only is it rude and unfair to show your stress on random friends/acquaintances/colleagues, it is extremely spoilt. Why? Well, because clearly nobody has told you growing up that you're a spoilt prick for throwing tantrums when things don't go your way.

I think I've used up my rant quota for the day, so I'm going to sign off now. Any pet peeves that you guys would like to share with me in the comments below, or on Facebook?

Stepping into adulthood: the end of freshman year

Forgive me the pretentious post title, but that is exactly how it feels - as if by living somewhat independently for the past year, I have started to grow up. I feel like a vastly different person from the high school graduate a year ago - although surely one doesn't change so much in the space of one year?

My outlook has tempered a little since my breathlessly excited post last August, but I still love college. I feel as if I'm slowly coming into my own, and gaining confidence in my abilities. I feel free and happy in college. Classes, homework and tests feel far less like millstones around my neck. I've at least partially achieved what I never could in IB - the balanced perspective that tells me that a failed exam or an unfinished project would hardly be the end of the world. I perform far better without the immense pressure of the critical voice in my head asking stupid what-if questions. I've decided I take life far too seriously - and ironically, I've found that when I keep that in mind, I become closer to the person I want to be than when I let it eat at me that I'm some distance from who I want to be. One of my teachers gave me this quote when I was leaving school: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. (AA Milne, Winnie the Pooh - and thank you, Deepa ma'am!) I'm starting to believe it.

Spring semester was a lot busier for me than fall semester. But I didn't mind, because most of my classes have been very interesting, and I've had some really good professors this year. My 'Intro to writing poetry and prose fiction' class was a blast. I've really enjoyed it, even if I have realized that writing poetry is not for me. Professor McCaffrey is a sweetheart, and his generous reception made it far easier to let go of my writing inhibitions, of which I have plenty. World Civ class reminded me how much I used to love history before I dropped it in IGCSE and IB. I might have been a little happier in IB if I'd taken history instead of business, but it's a moot point now. Reading primary and secondary documents from different periods of history and researching the Renaissance for my project have been fascinating.

Calculus has been a bit of mixed bag. The professor (Robert Busch) had quite the personality - not only is he a really good teacher, but he is also extremely engaging, and very, very funny. He is probably the funniest teacher I've ever had. Some of this stems from the fact that he isn't hesitant about doing outrageous things - like smearing chalk powder on his forehead and cheeks and shouting at the board (a war cry, see, before tackling calc).

But I did terribly on one exam when I relaxed a bit too much, and I still haven't gotten over it. Also, the realization that I will never quite be a math genius even if I do like math, pinches a little.

Geography of Economic Systems was super easy to get through - but still quite interesting. The professor, Deborah Naybor has an amazing story (check out http://www.capitalistchicks.com/?q=node/347 and http://www.averagegirlmagazine.com/members/Archive/0504Inspiration01.pdf). She is also extremely sweet, and I seriously considered going to Uganda with her this summer. It didn't work out, unfortunately, but I'm hoping I can go next year.

So I've had a wonderful but busy semester and I'm totally ready for summer. Being home is strange, though. When I came home for winter break, it felt as if the four preceding months had been a trip and I was home for good. Now, being home feels temporary. I suppose it's a sign that I've acclimated to living on my own and university, but I'm struggling with it a little. The more I get used to living in the US, the more I feel irrationally frightened that I'm becoming somehow less Indian. This has always been a struggle for me. I feel strongly rooted yet alienated because of how Western my outlook is. Even before I went to the US it was like this - after all, my consumption of books, movies, everything - is predominated by the West. Some days I would feel suddenly ashamed of how I think and express myself in English - it would feel wrong, somehow, that the language I'm most comfortable with is English and not Telugu. There is this niggling fear in the back of my head that the longer I stay and study in the US, the more Americanized I will become. Don't get me wrong - there are a lot of wonderful things about Western thought and culture - but I cherish my cultural heritage. I've resolved to start reading far more Indian authors this summer - and not just those who write in English (I mean translated regional literature). I want desperately to learn Sanskrit, and hopefully I'll find an online course that will allow me to do so. After watching the classic Missamma last winter, I want to watch a lot more black-and-white Telugu cinema. I also want to volunteer, and find an internship. I might never have managed to do all I planned to do in the summer before, but I'm always optimistic.

Most of all, it's scrumdiddlyumptious and gloriumptious to be home.

Barack Obama!

By the most wonderful luck, I have seen and heard President Barack Obama speak first-hand within the first month of my landing in the US to pursue my under-graduate education. Perhaps it is a sign that I will be famous and important some day?

I heard a few days back that Obama would be visiting The University at Buffalo (UB) , and signed up for a student lottery for tickets.  I received a confirmation email the day before yesterday stating that I had won a ticket. I couldn't sleep all night for excitement. We were told to reach at 9 am, but by the time I got there, at 9.02, there was a miles-long line (for the Alumni Arena, where the event would take place) extending all over the north campus. I resigned myself to a long wait, chatting with a few friends I'd made in the line, and texting a friend at the College of William and Mary. It was like waiting for darshanam at Tirupati, only, out-of-doors.

When I finally got in, at 11.00 am (and there were still a lot of people behind us) I scrambled to find a good vantage point. All the seating was full, so I sat down on the stairs. There were around 6000 people in an arena with seating for 4000. The speech was due to begin around 11.15, and there was a band playing, a large screen saying 'Welcome, Mr. President' and anticipation in the air.

We heard, first, the secretary of education, Arne Duncan, then a sophomore student giving an introduction, and finally - the president!

The crowd rose and there was a humungous amount of cheering and clapping as Obama entered the arena and got on to the stage. He hugged the sophomore student. The screen entered video mode and after the cheering died down, Obama greeted the crowd, which started them off again. It was a crowd which didn't need much prompting to clap or cheer - I missed many bits and pieces of the speech which were obscured by the boisterousness of the crowd.

The topic was 'Affordable Education', a cause for which UB as starting point made sense, as UB is one of the best 'best-value' colleges in the US. With a good education at nearly half the price of Ivy league or other top universities, UB gives 'bang for the buck' (a phrase Obama used in his speech)!

He made a lot of good points (although I am not very well-informed about American politics and the system, so I cannot really make a qualified judgment), but I thought a lot of it was well-written - or well-spoken - rhetoric. I also found myself more carried away by his oratory skills and the enthusiastic crowd than by the merit of his arguments, which I hadn't had time to consider yet.

The only concrete proposals he made were these:

1. Change the rating system so that universities are rated on how much they provide for how much money, how many students actually graduate, how many of them graduate on time, how successful they are in finding jobs and in their careers, and how much debt they graduate with, rather than what the enrollment and admission rates, and facilities are. This was something I was very much in agreement with, because I do not like the present ratings system followed by agencies such as US News and World Report. It's high time we heard of good universities that more of us can actually get into.
2. Make the environment more competitive so that universities innovate to keep costs low.
3. Make funding aid and colleges a priority for state governments.
4. Shift the focus from profits from student loans to helping with student loans.
5. Make the 'Pay as you earn' program - where the student only has to pay back 10% of his/her income (as loan repayment) every month more accessible and widespread by spreading awareness and widening and increasing eligibility.

There were a few more I think that I cannot remember, but a good summary can be found here :
http://www.buffalonews.com/city-region/erie-county/obama-trip-to-buffalo-emphasizes-ambitious-plan-to-control-college-costs-20130822

There's also a transcript here:
http://blog.timesunion.com/capitol/archives/193653/transcript-obamas-ub-speech/

Somewhere in the middle of the speech a spectator shouted something I couldn't hear as it was drowned by roaring from the crowd. I later found out that it was "Traitor, Obama! Traitor, Obama!" Obama just said "thank you" and moved on as if nothing had happened!

There was also a point where he said "I love you too," which exponentially increased the crowd's already extremely raucous cheering.

It was wonderful seeing a man of such importance speak in so informal and apparently extempore a manner. I kept waiting for him to refer to a sheet, but he never did.

The excitement wore off only when I realized I had gotten on the wrong bus back (the routes changed as the some roads had to be closed off), and had to travel all the way to the South campus and back to the North Campus (12 km overall), walk to a bus stop, get off at the right stop, and walk again to my hotel, having crossed the road three times. Then I collapsed in a chair, exhausted, with no thoughts but of food and the bed.